My first day being a stay-at-home dad

Our day: Up bright and early, quick breaky with mum before getting in the car. Ava immediately looked bummed when she realised Nicky wasn’t coming to swimming lessons too. I was a little bummed that Ava was bummed. Bummer.

Swimming lessons. Ava rocks out like a boss. She’s getting confident in the water, so I let her stay under a few seconds longer than I normally would each time she jumped in, to get her closer to ‘getting up’. We’ve taught her pretty well how to get in the water… but not so much how to turn around and get out yet, which means she might actually be in more of a dangerous position right now than ever before: fearless with water, wants in bad, still can’t swim. Nevertheless, swimming lessons without mum = winning.

Back in the car, homeward-bound. Ava reminds me that she needs to be watered and snacked by pointing to the bag and whingeing. I threw some fruit in front of her, put on a VeggieTales CD and all was well. Nana. Mmm… Nana.

Home. I read the instructions Nicky had left me on the kitchen bench.

How it was supposed to go:

  • Read a book;
  • Give her a drink and then tell her she is going to ‘cuddle teddy’;
  • Put her on her back, pull up covers and slowly walk out and close door;
  • “She should sleep for at least 1.5 hours.”

How it actually went:

  • The moment I give Ava a cuddle, she switches onto what’s going on and immediately breaks into something out of the exorcist.
  • I soothingly try to calm her down, give her cuddles, then put her in her cot and give her teddy.
  • “Cuddle teddy! There there!” Ava just proceeds to spider-crawl and screech.
  • I pretend it’s all supposed to be like that and make a lame attempt to put the covers over her. I then slowly walk out. Back away… baaaaack away.
  • Ava cries for ten minutes. I give up and walk back in.

I put her on her feet on the floor and she immediately stops crying. She walks over to teddy and giggles.

“Seriously? Only a moment ago you were Pavarotti!”

I then try a different tack: classical music. Ava seems to like the sound of it and gets fixated on pressing all of the buttons on the CD player. I change the CD to Lullabies and hope it softens the mood. Maybe in ten minutes things will be a little different. I lie down on the floor and cuddle teddy on the pillow. It’s a sneaky ploy: lead by example, maybe she’ll get the hint.

Time to have another crack. I pick Ava up again into the ‘cuddle’ position. It’s on again. Like Donkey Kong. This time, it was pretty much exactly the same as the first attempt, but this time to classical music. The covers go over the top a bit faster this time and I walk out frustrated. I sit on my bed, listening as the doors rattle from Ava’s direction.

Back in we go for round three. I walk back into the room and instantaneously get punched in the face with a thick aroma of cabbage. Oh no.

Nappy time. OK. It’s gotta be done. I try and plan the steps out to have the least amount of exposed poo-splosion as possible.

I lay down the new nappy. I get a nappy bag ready. I find the wipes and have a few ready. I lay Ava on top of the nappy, take off the nappy… HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. Ava then starts struggling and putting her hands all over the poo, now I’m wrestling with her not to touch anything, especially now not anything ELSE, while I try and simultaneously wipe things away and hold my guts in. Dry heave. New nappy that was carefully laid out gets covered in poo. Open bin. Bin is full. Try and put pooie nappy in bin. Pooie nappy falls out on floor onto my foot. It’s the a-poo-calypse. I go through seven wipes trying to clean things up. New nappy. Much easier once things are de-pooed.

OK. Maybe the pooey nappy was the reason that she was not going to sleep?

I hold her in a lay-down position in my arms and start rocking her to sleep. She bends backwards and objects for the next 15 minutes. This time, I’m firmer. Maybe if she realises that there’s no two ways about it – she’s going to sleep, that she might find some comfort in the ‘boundaries’. They always say on the radio that kids like boundaries, right? My biceps start burning from the weight of Ava’s head. An eternity of rocking. It’s working. The thumb! The miraculous, magic thumb goes in her mouth. Her eyes start drooping. Ava takes her thumb out three times and cries, but each time gets less and less spirited about it. It’s finally working!

I sneak over to the cot, lay Ava in it… Nope. It was all a ploy. The fire engine starts up again. I walk out again and close the door, PLEASE… PLEASE just go to sleep this time… you’ve gotta give up eventually. I would give anything for a set of boobs right now.

Silence. Sweet silence. She’s found her thumb.

Lexi barks. Lexi gets murdered.

I then tippy-toe around the house back to my own bed.

Ava was down for a grand total of 45 minutes. It would do.

Wake up time, lunch time. A hearty lunch of grapes, crackers, ham and avocado.

It’s Nicky’s birthday the next day. Nicky’s away getting pampered by her friends, so this is the last day I have to go and get her a present. I wonder if I’m actually going to be able to do it, because I’m already feeling wrecked; my entire day had been consumed by this one toddler thus far. I reconsidered ever calling being a stay at home mum ‘easy’. I shuddered at the reactions I know I’m going to get having ever admitted so.

OK, Travel Pack Time. Three nappies, check. Wipes, check. Snacks, check. Water, check. Time to get dressed.

I open the cupboard. What the heck do I put on this kid? How do I know which are the ones Ava fits and which she doesn’t? I just take a guess. I put some pants on her. They’re way too big. Fail. Toss them aside, have another go. Ava walks around the house in just a nappy. I dive back into the cupboard to find another pair of pants that will fit. I take another stab, find some pants, find Ava, begin pulling the pants onto Ava… “Oh, you’ve undone your nappy!”

Pow! My face again. If the last cabbagey episode was the a-poo-calypse, this… this was the crap-ture. It’s suddenly that horrific moment when you discover the nappy that is currently half-off is full to the brim with a bad kind of chocolate. Argh! I pick her up, throw her on the change-table and try to begin the nappy changing process. It’s not good. It’s the opposite of good. It’s bad. In fact, it’s so bad, it’s reached critical mass and it’s breaching the hull.

“Woah! You’re coming with me.”

I pick Ava up, leave the nappy on the table, keep Ava in a frozen lying down position as I carry her, one hand under her back, the other holding her ankles straight out toward me; gotta keep the chocolate part off my chest! We promptly head towards the shower room. I need to put her down so I can open the shower door. I lay her down in front of the shower door. Now I can’t open the shower door. She sits up. Poo on the shower mat. Awesome. Arms up, shirt off, door open, shower on. I get into the shower fully clothed. A deep breath. Crisis over.

Dress up time, grab bag, pile into car, fiddle with annoying booster seatbelt that always looks like it’s twisted, shut doors, drive to Plaza.

As I’m entering the carpark, I awkwardly pass a pink ‘pram’ carpark. I realise only just after I’ve passed it that I’m actually allowed to park there today. I do a circle of the carpark, but by the time I come back, I see another car reversing into the same spot. There’s three adults in the car. No kid. No pram. No babyseat. I growl. Ava mimics me and growls like a lion in the back seat. I drive halfway down the back of the carpark to get the next closest park and get everything ready with the stroller. As I pass the car that took my park, I consider pulling all the windscreen wipers in awkward directions and re-positioning the mirrors. That’d teach ‘em. I chicken-out and keep walking into the centre.

Shopping. I open up my list that Nicky has written out of presents she is hoping for. As it turns out, none of them can be bought at Grand Plaza. Curses! I order a coffee at The Coffee Club to at least make the trip worthwhile. While it’s being made, Ava starts getting restless in the stroller so I let her walk about. I chase her halfway around the shopping centre; she skilfully slaloms in between fast moving trolleys like a startled bit of soon-to-be-roadkill. I snatch her up again and put her back into the pram, as I clip her back in, the clip pinches my hand like a friggin’ snakebite. Curses!

I walk back out the way I came, coffee in hand, stroller in the other. I again pass the car that stole my carpark. I think about pouring my coffee all over their windshield. I take a deep breath and remind myself of the whole ‘Judgement-Free Love’ philosophy I’ve been pondering on and keep walking. Ava gets piled from the stroller to the car seat again. Drive to new shop. Unpile from carseat, pile into stroller.

I walk into a shop down the road that Nicky had picked. As I walk in, I hit a bump at the entrance and pour my coffee all over the stroller. Whoops. I turn around and ask the doorman where I can find what I’m looking for. He takes one step to his right and I’m staring at a wall behind him filled with them. Oh thanks! I’ll take two.

Back in the car, repeat pile-in process, new shop, repeat pile-out process. New present. I immediately ask for help, get taken to the right aisle, then ask for the least likely item to get returned by a woman with a strong sense of style. White it is.

De-pile stroller, re-pile car. Homeward. The job’s done. The day’s almost over. Nicky’s almost home. Thank God.

We spend the afternoon playing with blocks and shapes in the toy room. I mention food and Ava starts nodding enthusiastically. She walks down the hallway into the main room, sits at her miniature table and chairs and waits for me to serve her up. Just ridiculously cute.

After dinner, we watch a Jam ‘deebee’ together. Ava gets entranced by DVDs, it’s as though nothing else is going on around her. I take the occasion to surf the ‘net looking for something that we could put on that wouldn’t be so non-interactive. I’m OK with them being babysat by a box if it’s actually going to be good for them. I discover the Xbox Kinect Dance game. Intriguing concept.

Bath time. Ava and I spend the time playing with the bubbles and repeating back what each foam letter sounds like. What’s F say? “ffffffffffff!”

Just enough time to get Ava out of the bath, into her brand new pyjamas, and Nicky arrives home.

I pretend the day was fine. I was a stay-at-home dad. Like a boss.

Don’t know what women whinge about, really.

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Screaming at the top of my lungs in a whisper

I’ve been a little confronted with the way to best Love people in a western world where most of what people need, they can already get themselves. I’ve had a friend with cancer, and I felt I wanted to help him somehow and give him money, but at further observation, he didn’t seem to need it anywhere near as I felt I wanted to give it. I got caught up in the awkward fear that if I did say “Here, have some money” that it might actually make him feel awkward and it would have a negative impact on the relationship between us, rather than a good one. People seem to get funny about money. I’ve never really understood why, just merely recognised it. If I gave money, and they went money-funny, not only would I be further away from a good relationship than when I started, but paid a premium for it!

But then, there’s the other voice in my head, asking “Are you just coming up with excuses not to give?” It seems the more I think about giving to different people, the more reasons I come up with why it’s a bad idea. It’s an internal struggle. I want to be effective. I want to inject Love into peoples lives. I don’t want to be the resounding gong or clanging cymbal that sells all he has to the poor but has not Love.

How do you Love someone, help a friend in need, who already has what you can offer, and needs what you don’t have? Let’s face it. With things like cancer, it’s not like I can really do much to save him from the situation. No amount of money is going to fix that.

Recently the answer became clearer to me. There’s a phrase that seems to cover all the bases in a single sweep. It says ‘I don’t know what else to do, but I care about you.’ it says ‘I’m here for you when you need me.’ It says volumes about a lot of things.

“I’m praying for you.”

It’s free to pray for someone. It means we stand humbled and helpless in the light of a problem so big that we have only prayer left to offer, but humbled even further by the concept that there is something even bigger than even the greatest problem we could ever find.

If you want to Love people, you’ll end up finding problems you simply don’t have the capacity to be the solution for. Sometimes when people feel like heading to the nearest cliff and screaming their frustrations at the top of their lungs, it’d be nice to have someone along side of them just as lungfully screaming along with them.

“I’m praying for you.”

I get it. This world is crazy. I don’t know what else to do. But I’m here alongside of you and I care.

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…Lest you be judged…

Grace makes people new to it’s concept more angry than the law. One might get angry at the idea of being told they’re personally breaking God’s laws, but they get much angrier when they’re told that others who have sinned go unpunished “just for asking forgiveness.” Until we can recognize our own sin, we cannot accept grace.

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How I memorize 1000 digits numbers

The trick to memory: understanding that English is your second language. Pictures is what you used as a newborn. To remember names and numbers you must first convert those names and numbers into pictures. To remember the order you need to follow a logical flow of direction. I remember the first 23 digits of pi through a story the number tells me.

Memorize this as fast as you can, go!

There on your favourite thing at home sits a pie, that has a tail coming out of it attached to ben, who’s in jail receiving mail from a guy who’s ‘fresh of the boat’ that drives a cab with a man who has a muff with a rash that looks like tree NOTCHes…if you can memorise that story, you’ve also cracked pi to 23 digits.

Each key word was a number and vice versa.

The code: point to these places on your body and call them out loud.Memorise the names first go if you can. I promise you, if you try this you will surprise yourself. Ok ready, go!

1: top (top of head)
2: nose,
3: mouth,
4: ribs,
5: liver, (hold belly and say laaaaa!)
6: hip JOINT, (ah, I jarred my joint!)
7: cap (knee) (knee someone in the balls and make a kck! sound)
8: fibula (shinbone)
9: ball (of foot)
0: sand (that you’re standing on)

Review, can you remember each thing on your body in order 1 through 10?

Now, each part of your body is the codebreaker.

1: Top, tuh
2: nose, nuh
3: mouth, muh… the first of each is a sound.

So 1 – 10 in the new language is: tuh nuh muh ruh luh juh kuh fuh buh suh.
Now decode my story…

Pie 3.14 (just remembered)
Tail tuh luh 15
Ben buh nuh 92
Jail juh luh 65
Mail muh luh 35
Fob fuh buh 89
Cab kuh buh 79
Man 32
Muff 38
Rash 46
Notch 26

Get a pen, see how far you can get into the 24 digit number…

Lesson complete.

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A poem sent to me from my mum

Watching my beautiful second son and third child, Benjamin Joseph at the age of 5 months, I tried to express what rose up in my heart.

“Ben”

Ben,

I sit and watch you, glory in my heart.

Your hands and feet waving in dimpled fashion,

Your blue eyes watching me so wonderfully.

You are HERE, Ben, in all your chubby beauty,

Where there was before an empty space.

I wanted you, Ben.

So much.

I felt your absence before I ever knew you.

God has granted me the desire of my heart,

And I have you,

So real. So cuddly.

So beautiful.

Your smile, your baby sounds,

Draw out my love for you.

My eyes feast on the sight of you,

And my arms long to wrap around you

And hold you close, forever.

Take time to grow, Ben.

I want to love you, and enjoy you,

In every swiftly fleeing moment.

Too soon you will learn about the privilege -

And the shame –

Of being part of mankind.

Don’t hurry.

Now is just so wonderful.

God has been so good.

Xoxoxoxoxo

Copyright L.E. Csikos 1984

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The eternal question

“What would you do if you knew that you only had one week to live?” It’s a pretty common question. So common in fact that I yawn, maybe even puke out of pure boredom from such an overused cliché. But what if we turned the question on its head?

“What would you do if you knew you had an unlimited amount of time to do it in?”

Think about it. How much of what you’re striving for suddenly becomes not so urgent, not so important? What truly becomes important at that point?

For me, I tend to think that if I had an unlimited amount of time, a lot would become totally OK to put off for a while, say, maybe a few million years. Striving for that promotion so that I can become something before I die suddenly seems like something I can do later. All of that work! All of that stress! All of that trying to achieve achieve achieve in a desperate attempt to become somebody before I turn back into dust… Gone. Suddenly there’s nothing to prove, and no need to prove it. You know what? I think I’d take some time out to do what I liked, maybe hang out with my friends, make love to my wife, play peek-a-boo with my daughter, develop some solid, loving, heart-penetrating relationships and enjoy people.

It all changes when we come face to face with eternity.

“Life is short, live it to the max!” and “Don’t waste your life” seem to be closely related to “Do something!” which is closely related to “Your actions define your worth.” I now reject it all as cookie-cutter pretend wisdom. The older I get, the more my achievements seem pointless; they’re just pretty star stickers on my jacket.

How do I truly discover my worth regardless of my actions and achievements? Now there’s a question worth asking.

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Sales Life -Size Does Matter

“You know, I like you. I tell you what, I’ll give you a discount. How does 50 bucks off sound?”

These are words we always like to hear, right? Well, you’d think so, but it really depends on what you’re buying at the time. If you were buying a pair of shoes, you’d have just scored yourself a bargain, but what if you were buying a 1.2 million dollar house? I imagine you’d be less than impressed.

Did the value of the $50 change? No. 50 bucks is 50 bucks. The difference is the comparitive perspective of what you’re buying.

So, there’s a moral in that little piece of psychology; something we can turn into a weapon in our sales armoury.

In my workplace, I have consistently sold more products per sale than most. When others are only selling 1 product to a customer, I sell 3, 4 sometimes as many as 10 products. This means that I have to work a quarter as hard as my colleauges to make the same amount of money. Fewer calls, fewer customers, more sales! I have actually discovered that it is easier to sell LARGE packages with many products at a time than it is to sell single products on their own merits.

Think about it, if I sell you something worth $50, and then at the last moment try to upsell you to a second item worth $50, I’ve just doubled your expenses. It feels a lot more expensive to take the second product in comparison to the first, so you’d be more likely to decline the second product.

However, If I sell you a large ‘package’ worth $1000, filled with multiple products of different values and usefulness, when I find another reason to upsell you a $50 item, it doesn’t feel like a big jump to spend that extra $50. It’s practically a throw-in. You might even consider taking 2 or 3 extras at that point since it’s not a big deal in comparison to the initial outlay anyway.

It becomes a bell-curve. The more you sell, the easier it is to sell more. The gap between 1 product and 10 is not as big as it looks.

Don’t be afraid to ‘go big’ in your sales pitches. You’ll find for the same amount of effort you can close bigger sales, and because of human psychology, it actually get’s easier!

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The Grey Area

In my every day life, I do my best to keep grey out of things. To me, grey is an insecure place to operate in and it doesn’t inspire confidence, or get much done. If it’s dark grey, it’s black. If it’s light grey, it’s gonna have to be white. The stuff in the middle just seems to cause problems.

Imagine a ship captain that comes to a fork in the river. He’s unsure which way to turn; his crew members have offered no useful advice. The captain is indecisive, he gets into a bother and then takes his hands off the wheel hoping the ship will make the right decision for him, that way he can’t be blamed for choosing incorrectly. Do you think the crew under this sort of leadership would feel safe? Do you think they would respect the captain?

A big part of leadership is having the ability to make tough decisions. Tough decisions by their very nature are decisions that prove very ‘grey’ in nature, where it is not obvious what the correct path is to take. True leaders will take grey evidence, and translate that evidence into black and white decisions to their men so at the very least, they understand where they are headed and can confidently act accordingly under the direction of the leader. “I understand this is a controversial call, but this is where we are headed and what we’re doing. Get ready.”

Respect doesn’t come from making the right call every time; being wrong every time will certainly make it difficult to maintain the trust of your crew, however making no decision at all is a guaranteed failure. Often, just having the intestinal fortitude to make a call at all is a huge step in the right direction.

Keep it simple. Be a leader. Make decisions.

Seems pretty black and white to me.

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Supernature – Making my eyes smell

Ever had what you considered a supernatural experience, but then afterwards almost talked yourself out of believing it ever happened?

It seems to me that ‘doubt’ after a spiritual experience is perfectly logical, regardless of how impacting that spiritual experience was.

Think about dreams. Dreams can be vivid and all-consuming, but when you wake up, they become fuzzy, elusive, and often you can’t seem to remember very well what you dreamt, mostly that you simply dreamt. To my understanding it’s because the part of your brain that was dreaming only seems to be present when your consciousness turns itself off and let’s your unconsciousness take over. The unconscious part of your brain is very active, but it’s as though the two hemispheres don’t talk to each other. The dream happened, that’s for sure, but when your consciousness tries to remember it, it can’t; it wasn’t actually ‘there’ at the time.

I can play an 8th grade piece on the piano. I do the entire thing from memory. It’s a phenomenal feeling sometimes, because it’s as though I can separate myself from my mind, and watch in awe at my hands doing the work as if on auto-pilot. I’ve found that the easiest way to avoid mistakes is to purposefully not think about what I’m doing and let the part of my brain, that auto-pilot part, be uninhibited by my own concentration and efforts. I can tell when my consciousness left-brain takes over; it’s when I totally forget how to play! My consciousness doesn’t know how to play the piano, it wasn’t designed for the purpose and was never there during practice. It’s my right-brain, my unconscious side, that has the talent. My left brain seems to only understand what is and has already been, piecing information together in logical boxes, but my right brain doesn’t require logic, it just ‘is’, with no further explanation needed.

Did you know that you can make a person with perfectly good eyes blind, by tweaking something in their brain? Even though their eyes are in good order, and light is still hitting the back of their retinas, because that part of a person’s brain has switched off, they can no longer see. This means that you could be staring at an object that is right in front of you with all of the physical tools necessary, but you’re blind as a bat because of one problem: your brain doesn’t know how to interpret the data it is receiving.

I think spiritual experiences can run into these problems when trying to be recalled afterwards. Just as your subconscious mind is experiencing things that your consciousness can never seem to recall, you could have a full- blown supernatural experience using one side of your brain, but when you slip back to your ‘normal’ conscious and physical state after the experience, your mind would begin to doubt that it ever happened. Well, it seems logical enough to me why: That part of your brain was never there at the time.

Trying to get the logical, box-sorting part of your brain to interpret the supernatural is like trying to make your eyes smell, or your nose hear. It’s a futile thing to do, it simply wasn’t designed for the purpose.

So in this case, to purposefully switch off the logical part of your brain at times, suspending your disbelief in order to avoid it interfering with the experience or memory of a logic-defying supernatural experience, seems logical.

At least, that seems logical enough to me.

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Paintballs

“Alright sucker! You’ve been holding that for too long!” I threw the now-empty cannister of paintballs onto the ground, flipped the hopper lid closed and reloaded. If there was ever a time for heroism, this was it. Not because I was the last man standing. Not because the team needed any heroism from me to save the day. When playing paintball, every time is the time for heroism. This was that time. There I was, huddled behind a stack of tyres, hearing the calamity of team calls, trash talk, and the never-ending machine gun sound of ‘blitzer’ paint markers firing up to 30 shots per second. I took a breath, a short moment to build some courage. I sprung. Out from my barricaded safety, I charged toward the enemy, trigger finger spasmodically twitching wildly as I peppered the path before me with a payload of skin-breaking, pain-guaranteeing ballistic balls of anguish.

Time stopped. Slow motion bullet-time. The gun fired. Pop! It fired again. Pop! It fired again. Pop! The mist from the gas of each ballistic discharge vortexed from the barrel of the gun, puffing with a new shot before the previous cloud dissipated. Bright yellow paintballs broke through each violent burst one after the other as I hovered, leaning forward, mid charge, both feet off the ground, face covered by mask, but the eyes; bloodshot, crazed, frothing for action. Pop! One. Pop! Two. Pop! Three. Pop! Four. Recoil. The gun bolt jerked back with each discharge delivering its round, then jerked forward again in anticipation of the next inevitable trigger compression. The paintballs exploded down the barrel, through the gassy discharge, out into open air, spinning violently as they propelled forward, slicing through the vacant slipstream behind the projectile before it, but mid flight it was obvious that these were not the only propellants in the air; as they reached the mid-way point of their death-delivering journey, they were briefly passed by what would appear as a reflection.

Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! Paintballs soared in both directions. I charged forward, only steps away from the safety of the next tyre break. I could barely see through the sweaty fog of my mask, but onward I charged anyway, trigger finger hammering out rapid-fire in a merciless barrage.

And then, it happened.

This story is about balls. Balls of fortitude. Balls of paint. Balls of flesh. I wish it weren’t the latter.

Bullet time. A yellow paintball travelling in the wrong direction beelines a direct hit into my pants. The pants fold in with the impact, the ballistic continues its journey. Camouflage pants. Calvin Klein underwear. Scrotum. Excruciating impact. Lava lamp ripple. Pendulum swinging back. Bizarre thoonk sound similar to a thong hitting the end of a PVC pipe. Pendulum swinging forward again.

Ben. Goes. Down.

It’s over. It’s so over. It’s over. Kill me. Oh. Oh that wasn’t good. That was the opposite of good. I’m cold. I’m so cold. Why do I feel like throwing up. What is that lump in my throat. I want to suck my thumb. I want to go somewhere and breastfeed right now.

Skirmish is a strange game. I question why we do these things to ourselves.

From now on, I’m leaving the courageous heroism to the guys with the balls to do it. Mine certainly aren’t up to the challenge.

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